Sunday, August 3, 2008 @ 20:52
i don't feel like i am doing enough
i didnt realise how much hurt and pain i have actually inflicted on you.
i didnt know that you felt so neglected and alone.
your red eyes and tears flowing down your cheeks-that scene- remained so clearly in my mind.
i just looked right into your eyes.
i wanted to say sorry a gazzilion times but i know that you would only say: sorry for what, you everytime only say sorry.
but i seriously seriously am very very sorry.
" you never talk to me. everytime i ask you to play with me, you will say you are busy, doing work..."
sigh, i felt so so disappointed in myself after hearing that from him.
i thought i gave my all.
i thought i even gave too much, to the extent of spoiling him.
i thought i gave everything i could.
i thought i sacrificed alot.
but it doesnt seem to be that case, in his eyes, it was all empty promises that i have failed to fulfill.
" you only asked me how's my day. you never talk to me about anything or tell me anything... when i want to talk to you, you keep doing your work. at night, you say you want to sleep. "
that question carried my heartfelt concern.
but somehow in the eyes of this primary4 kiddo, it is just probably some random question.
my role as a sister is harder than anybody else's- i thought
sometimes, i just feel that i have failed to live up to the responsibility that i have to take.
have i gone overboard in controlling them?
have i spoilt them by giving them too much? such that they keep asking for more each time.
am i really neglecting them? well, in my heart i felt that i gave up alot or even too much for them. but was that really enough ENOUGH?
did i really ask for too much?
maybe i shouldn't even be 'complaining' about it.
that's what i ought to do, isn't it?
nobody needs to tell you to look after them, you just need to do it.
oh little brother/s of mine, you both make me happy and sad at the same time.
this time i made a bigger promise- that is to try harder.